Something is Happening, and I’m Mr. Jones.

Sitting here trying to decide which stories to tell. Stories I haven’t told Chip before. Stories to leave behind when I move on.

Sometimes a little snack helps me get started. But there’s not a bag of chips to be found. No tater tots or pizzas in the freezer. No tubes of Pillsbury biscuits, no tubs of butter, no shrink-wrapped cold cuts, and no mayo in the trusty fridge.

The pantry is usually dependable. There’s always something forgotten in the back, behind the cans of pinto beans and creamed corn.

But not today.

No crinkly bag of Newman’s O’s. No long matinee boxes of Red Vines. Where’s my backup stash of Ginger Ale? Where are my Slim Jims and vacuum-sealed pouches of jerky?

Top shelf, right side. My stack of Jell-O boxes are gone. Not one box of my beloved cook-and-stir chocolate pudding!

Even the cookie jar is empty.

When I ask Chip and Media Jean where all the snacks have gone, Chip shrugs and says, “That stuff isn’t good for you anyway.”

Media Jean gives me one of her all-knowing looks and adds, “You’re entering the Drop Dead Zone, Mr. MacMurray.”

“Drop Dead Zone?”

​“She means risk factors,” Chip smiles.

He always tries to soften Media Jean’s straight talk.

Before I could ask another question, they flew out the door. Something’s going on, and as usual, I don’t know what it is.

Comments

Media Jean: He’s going to figure out that we threw out all his unhealthy food.

Chip: Then he’ll just go to the store and buy more artery-clogging food.

Media Jean: Maybe we need to take a stand.

Chip: Uh oh. When you say “take a stand” we usually get in trouble.

Media Jean: This time will be different.

Chip: That’s what you say every time.

Media Jean: And I’m right. Every time is different.

Chip: That’s true. We get into a different kind of trouble every time.

Media Jean: Ha ha! I’ll give you that one. But not this time. I think we should just tell your dad the truth. Hit him with statistics on heart disease, POW! Prostate cancer, BAM! Osteo-what-cha-ma-call-it, SLAM!

Chip: Osteoporosis.

Media Jean: Right! This is serious, Chip! It really is life and death. So let’s step right up and say, “We love you, and we want you to live a long, long time. So shape up!”

Chip: But what if he wants to compromise?

Media Jean: I’m not much of a compromiser. I say we declare a health war.

Chip: Ha ha! A health war?!

Media Jean: He brings a bag of Doritos in the house, we take it out. He sneaks in a box of Twinkies, we sneak it out.

Chip: He could hide food where we’ll never find it.

Media Jean: Not if we install hidden Nanny-cams with night vision to catch those midnight munchies.

Chip: I see only one flaw with this plan.

Media Jean: Impossible! It’s foolproof!

Chip: If there are no snacks in the house, what will we eat?

Media Jean: Uh oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

Chip: Tomorrow is our Ray Harryhausen Film Festival. We’ll have to eat carrots and celery during Clash of the Titans.

Media Jean: We can have the Harryhausen Film Fest at my house.

Chip: I don’t know. If we start this war, I bet my dad calls your dad.

Media Jean: Yikes, I hadn’t thought of that!

Chip: Your mom is always trying to get you to eat healthier.

Media Jean: A Parent Team-Up! That’s the Dr. Doom and Magneto of Childhood!

Johnny: You can have the Harryhausen Film Festival at my house.

Media Jean: The lurker surfaces like The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.

Johnny: I wasn’t lurking! I just logged on to see what you idiots were talking about. And why wasn’t I invited to this Harryhausen thing?

Media Jean: Do you know who Ray Harryhausen was?

Johnny: No.

Media Jean: That’s why.

Chip: My dad will call your dad, too, Johnny.

Johnny: So? You think your dad can out-negotiate my dad? Give me a break!

Media Jean: Really? What about Screen-Free Week? Remember how Chip’s dad talked your dad into banning all screens in your house? No TVs. No tablets. No phones. You cried.

Johnny: I didn’t cry! That was stress. But you have a point. Chip’s dad might be an economic failure, but when it comes to the moral high ground, he’s tough to beat.

Media Jean: By the time he’s through, you’ll be eating rice cakes!

Johnny: All right, you made your point!

Media Jean: Your dad will start investing in broccoli stock!

Johnny: I said all right!

Chip: We have to call off the war.

Media Jean: I think you’re right.

Chip: If we tell our parents the “right” thing to do, but then don’t do it ourselves, aren’t we doing what we always criticize them for doing?

Media Jean: Hmm, a “we have become the enemy” kind of thing.

Chip: Right. Either we all do the right thing, or we live and let live.

Media Jean: Rats. OK, call off the health war. We’ll have to find another way to get your dad healthy.

Johnny: So... does that mean the Harryhausen Film Festival is still on?

Hello?

I have the biggest flat screen TV in town.

Hello ...?

Did you idiots log off already?!

Come on! I have Surround Sound!

Hey! You did, didn’t you? You logged out!

Arrgh!

Media Jean: Just kidding! Yeah, the festival is still on. Your house, tomorrow after school.

Johnny: One of these days I’m going to buy this company and fire you.

Media Jean: Yeah, yeah. Just don’t forget the snacks, Mr. Surround Sound.

​​Comic strip from the series "Johnny Green's Avatar"
(Kid, Inc. Volume 2: The Batcave of Childhood)

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